Syp’s Quips: Gaming On The Mind

Need help with your short game or end game?  Suffering from an embarrassing rash of altitis?  Can’t tell the difference between a noob, a newbie, and a n00b?  Then pose your conundrum to Syp, the MMO Master, and prepare yourself to be rocked by advice from a gamer who truly knows what “/afk” means.  No question is too serious; no answer is too silly!

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Dear Syp,

Which WoW gold guide is worth the money? How do you make gold in World of Warcraft if you have little time to play?

Sincerely,

NotAGoblin in Tanaris

Dear NotAGoblin,

Okay, time for basic economic theory 101 – if you’re spending money, it means you’re not taking in money, right?  So if you’re buying a guide, it’s actually assisting you in the exact opposite direction of where you want to be – making more money.

There are several lucrative opportunities for gold acquisition in WoW, depending on how far you are willing to debase yourself and your dignity for the cause.  Poorly-spelled begging – “Can I haf ur gold plz?” – broadcasted city-wide on a repeating loop is irresistible to many.  People just want to help you and your greedy nature out!  And then there’s always dancing in your undies on a mailbox for tips.  After all, they don’t call it a “moneymaker” for nothing!

Finally, you could invest in the Azerothan stock market.  Make sure you invest in Mankrik’s Private Investigation Agency, as that’s an up-and-coming organization with lots of promise!

Sincerely,

Syp

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Dear Syp,

I’ve been having this trouble for some time now, and I don’t know what to do. You see, I want to stop playing MMOs, but I just can’t help it, and keep trying out different games.

Worst of all, even if I did want to stop, I always try to do it in one big gesture, rather than gradually, and end up subscribing again when a new expansion comes out.

For instance, LOTRO has a new expansion out, and while I do want to stop playing, people are saying it’s got a great experience. And then there’s Cataclysm, which begs me to not miss a world-rending event.

I don’t know how to stop, and I need your help to stop because it’s hurting my general productivity in life.

Any advice you can offer, I would be most grateful for.

Sincerely,

Maligned in Many Worlds

Dear Maligned,

As any counselor would tell you, the fact that you’ve admitted that you have a problem is the first step to recovery.  The second is to cancel your internet, take an axe to your computer case, and stand outside Best Buy with a picket sign warning people against the dangers of MMOs.

Or, if you want to take the easy way about it, you could take a cue from people who are trying to quit other habits, like overeating and chain smoking.  The trick is to have someone hold you accountable, and to prepare a substitute activity in your life that is interesting enough to fill that immediate void left by cutting out soul-crushing grinds in games.

You also seem to need to learn moderation, and here again is where an accountability partner would come in key.  If you quit and then felt the urge to go back into these games in the future, put limits on your gameplay hours, and fill the rest by reading this column.

Sincerely,

Syp

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Dear Syp,

I’m currently in the market for a new gaming desktop/work from home computer and was curious of your thoughts on what type of system to look at that would be usuable for 3-4 years and wouldn’t break the bank. Do you have any guesses on how fast a machine needs to be in order to run a new MMO in say 3 years?

Sincerely,

Haven in Guild Wars

Dear Haven,

Seriously, just about anything.  Really.  I’ve read reports that these teeny-tiny netbook computers – the ones that look as though a Nintendo DS could beat them up in a school fight – have enough oomph to run World of Warcraft.  What many MMO developers are finally wising up to is that most of us don’t have gobs of money to keep spending on top of the line computers, and if they want the largest subscriber base possible, they need to make sure it runs on less-than-premium machines.

What’s almost more important than how “fast” your machine is, is a good graphics card (which you can easily snag for $120 or less) and a decent amount of RAM, which is also cheap.  For the record, my current gaming computer is four years old at this point, and I’m still keeping up with the current releases just fine.

Sincerely,

Syp

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Laddie,

I be askin’ yer help. I gots me a bit of a problem.

While shootin’ and grenadin’ those accursed foul greenskins, I spotted one of them Witchelves, and I’m ashamed to say, my heart is all aflutter. I know it aren’t right and I should jus shoot ‘er and be done and go back to me loverly beardy wife, but well, I jus cannae. How can I dispell meself of this unnatural infatuation?

Tanks lad,

Tirni in Ekrund

Dear Tirni,

Was… was that English?  Of any recognizable variety?  Were you just trying to bludgeon me to death with apostrophes?  It’s actually easier to just go ahead and type the “g” in many cases – you don’t want to exhaust your pinky finger like that.

As far as I can ascertain, you have developed a crush on Witch Elves, which I can’t understand – they’re really the hags of Warhammer Online.  All that exposed skin and black makeup?  It’s like you’re at Hot Topic during a swimsuit sale.

Dude, be faithful to your wife.  Remember that her beard completes you in a way that a sulky goth laugh cannot.  And in any case, isn’t that why dwarfs invented ale?  To forget and to addle the memory?  Sounds like it’s time to drink yourself into a stupor!

Sincerely,

Syp

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Dear Syp,

Everyone says PvP is the most popular thing in MMOs. Is that true?

Sincerely,

Heidi in Camelot

Dear Heidi,

Yes, yes it’s true.  PvP is the nadir of excellence, entertainment and excitement in MMOs, and anyone telling you different is just trying to sell something.

Besides, PvP mimics some of the most beloved activities we experience in real life.  Rush hour traffic with cars cutting you off and people flipping you the bird?  PvP!  Arguments between  you and your significant other as to whose turn it is to wash the dishes and walk the dog?  PvP!  Gang warfare sparked by competing drug dealers on your street corner?  PvP!

It really does just bring out the best in people.

Sincerely,

Syp

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ATTENTION: Do you have a question for the MMO Master?  Then ask, my child, in the comments section below, and make sure to sign it “name in game world/game city”!