Syp’s Quips: Everything Else Is Child’s Play

Need help with your short game or end game?  Suffering from an embarrassing rash of altitis?  Can’t tell the difference between a noob, a newbie, and a n00b?  Then pose your conundrum to Syp, the MMO Master, and prepare yourself to be rocked by advice from a gamer who truly knows what “/afk” means.  No question is too serious; no answer is too silly!

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Dear Syp,

As a speculative fiction writer and longtime roleplayer, I often immerse myself in the lore of a setting. I’ve become somewhat known as a “loremaster” for Warcraft in particular, and it really irritates my scrotum to see that not just the devs, but the players, truly care little about the storyline of their games. At times, I wonder if I look like a street preacher in a dashiki, yelling at passerbys about how they “should” be enjoying the game. Most infuriatingly, this doesn’t come just from hardcore RPers or raiders, as the stereotype is, but from fellow roleplayers. I’m sure everyone’s heard the stories of vampire night elves or “the son of Arthas and Jaina”. My question is – how do I educate these savages? Am I justified in even trying to?

Sincerely,

Horselover Fat in Azeroth.

Dear Horselover,

They’re called “savages” for a reason – because they are actually noble, introspective peoples who can talk to trees and paint with all the colors of the wind.  Or so Disney’s Pocahontas taught me.  This means that while you are trying to educate them in your so-called superior culture, they’re so busy wind-painting and tree-chatting to notice petty things like “lore” and “roleplay”.  But by all means, go ahead and give it your best shot.  We’ll grab some popcorn and enjoy the show.

Sincerely,

Syp

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Dear Syp,

With Phoenix Throne closing down this week, there was lots of forum chat and such about roleplaying servers. Some joked that roleplay servers were for guys who were trolling for girls to chat up/“cyber” etc. Some asked about which server he should transfer to in order to find the most girls. (I’m pretty sure it was tongue in cheek) When the answer came back that most were married, it incited a comment about lonely married women being easy prey kinda thing.

We all know that MMOs have an enormous social aspect, and for me it’s why we play. Yet how do we handle this kind of social activity that bypasses the game and hijacks it for other social agendas?

Sincerely,

Sleepless in Searing Gorge

Dear Sleepless in Searing Gorge,

This makes me think back to when I played a Tauren in WoW.  A female Tauren.  Apparently, they were so rare that the Blizzard team had to dust off the character creation options when I went to make her.  Because of this, one lonesome teenage boy figured that I surely had to be a girl, and delivered the most ham-handed come on I’ve ever witnessed.  And cows don’t go for ham, my friend.

Like just about anywhere, people are stupid for sex a lot of the time, and when a game world becomes 95% of their social sphere, that’s where they go a-fishin’.  It’s not so much an “agenda” as it is a symptom of bachelor frustration, and I say that the best way to return to normalcy is to put all of these randy fellas in a Vulcan death ring and have them duke it out until there is only one survivor, who then can go on a supervised date with a female Tauren (but not mine).

Sincerely,

Syp

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Dear Syp,

What are some of the warning signs that an MMO has jumped the shark, and what can you do to protect yourself?

Sincerely,

Fonzarelli in Ironforge

Dear Fonzarelli,

The second a MMO jumps a shark, the community should be on high alert – I agree.  If they can jump sharks, then they have lost all sense of fear and restraint, and will soon be coming for you and everyone you love.  The only thing that will hold them back is to surround your house with Ewoks.  Don’t underestimate Ewoks – just look at what happened to the Emperor’s “crack troops”, who got skewered and crushed for their troubles.

Sincerely,

Syp

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Dear Syp,

How does one go about ‘catching up’ as a real, honest-to-goodness new player in 5 year old games? Even baby groups assuming I know what I am doing and I’m not really NEW new. I find it very hard to get past the opening grind because it’s both bewildering, exponentially more difficult than the ‘tutorial areas’ and, increasingly, expensive. “L2P” or “Read the f$@#@ing website” greets most requests for help and I DON’T want to be one of those ‘zomg plezae guild meh’ shouters I tend to see.

In other words, I’m an older gamer (literally) with a more ‘conservative’ approach to interpersonal contact (Like… sentences, and respecting space and boundaries) who is a genuine new player and finding it hard to find my feet in game. What advice do you have for those of us new to a game, with jobs and families, who are seriously behind the learning curve? Do we suck it up and solo to the top or do we wait for a new MMO where we are all on the same footing? Your advice would be great.

Sincerely,

New Old Guy in Starter Zone

Dear New Old Guy,

Trust me, if you take the “suck it up” route, you will burn out long before hitting the level cap.  Your best bet is to hit the forums and do searches for guilds that advertise themselves as “newbie-friendly” and “helpful” and “offering free cupcakes”.  There are plenty of guilds who fill the need of mentors (including, off the top of my head, The Older Gamers guild, who have chapters in many games).  It just takes a bit of work to find them, so don’t be afraid to experiment with guilds until you find one that fits your need.  If a guild doesn’t, then shout out in guild chat, “BUZZZ!  YOUR TIME IS UP AND YOU HAVE FAILED TO APPEASE ME!  YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK, GOODBYE!” and /gquit.

Sincerely,

Syp

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Dear Syp,

How come no prison can function as it is supposed to?

Sincerely,

Bronte in Stormwind

Dear Bronte,

Whether it be the Ziggurat in Paragon City or the Stockades in Stormwind, all prisons in our beloved games seem to be built with revolving doors and highly gullible guards, resulting in an inevitable takeover by convicts and the resulting clean-up call to wandering adventurers.  What you may not know is that these are not prisons at all – nay, they are massive social experiments designed by top MMORPG psychologists and sociologists who are trying to protect their grant money by staging these elaborate breakouts.  All in the name of science, my friend!

Sincerely,

Syp

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ATTENTION: Do you have a question for the MMO Master?  Then ask, my child, in the comments section below, and make sure to sign it “[name] in [game world/game city]”!